The Pest: Every Planet as a Gatorade Flavor

Of September 10 to October 2, six planets were in retrograde and many felt its effects. While Mercury tends to get the most credit for causing chaos in the universe, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto also all went backwards during the nearly month-long period of unrest this fall.

When life seems to continually challenge my patience, I check to see if any of the planets are retrograde, usually by looking at Mercury first. I also jokingly use the phrase “Mercury is in Gatorade”, for the simple reason that it is funny and plays on the doubts of those who find astrology ridiculous.

They were in that point in the semester when our brains feel like they are actively melting down. So this edition of “The Pest” is bound to be easy on the top. Without further ado, I give you: each of the planets as a flavor of Gatorade.

Mercury

Any of the blue flavors. Either cool blue, Glacier Freezing, blue cherry either frozen charge, there is an element of chaos in how many different blue Gatorades there are. Mercury shares this element of chaos. In the same way, I’d say the blue Gatorades are top notch flavors, Mercury, specifically Mercury retrograde, always brings chaos, but it’s usually for a purpose we’re grateful for later on.

Venus

glacier cherry. Venus is the planet of love and Glacier Cherry is a much appreciated flavor. I have never met anyone who has turned it down because it is liked by everyone. It’s a classic flavor with the twist of being white instead of fire truck red.

Land

Fruit punch. He used to be a fan favorite and sore eyed sight when he was growing up. However, between climate change and civil unrest regarding social justice, Earth is in decline. It certainly could be revived, but with new flavors popping up all the time, it’s not at the top of its game anymore.

Mars

Orange. Maybe this is too easy a choice, but it’s a tried and true flavor. Seeing Mars among the stars at random points throughout the year is about as refreshing as an Orange Gatorade. No, it may not be Gatorade’s most popular choice, but it’s a reliable flavor that, if offered to you on a hot day, you won’t turn down.

Jupiter

lemon lime. the original The Gatorade flavor, the energy of this flavor is first and Jupiter is the biggest planet, it just works. Similar to Orange, Lemon-Lime isn’t always the flavor people are looking for. However, just as Jupiter always catches your eye when looking at a photo of the solar system, you can always find a lemon-lime Gatorade at the store.

Saturn

Berry. It’s simple, it’s elegant, it’s a beautiful pink and nothing could fit the elegant Saturn better. Sure, the Strawberry Kiwi and Strawberry Lemonade flavors are fine, but like Saturn, Berry never fails.

Uranus

Green apple. As much as we’d love to go full banter when talking about this planet, we’re not that evolved of a society, therefore we give Uranus cursed energy. I’ve had a Green Apple Gatorade once and it tastes like an amped up green apple Jolly Rancher. This flavor of Gatorade, like butt jokes, should only be found without irony in the hands of high school students.

Neptune

Cucumber Lime. Say what you want, but this is one of the most underrated Gatorade flavors. Yes, it’s a bit strange, but cucumber and lime is a surprisingly relaxing combination and hits the spot when you’re craving something light and refreshing. with neptune -373 degree temperature, the planet and this flavor of Gatorade are cool as a cucumber.

Pluto (yes, I’m counting it)

The Discontinued Clear Gatorade, ice punch. I don’t want to bring back the anti-Pluto jokes from when NASA decided it wasn’t a planet anymore, but it’s too appropriate. Ice Punch was great while it lasted, but it’s arguable that it inspired the newer, more popular Propel water. Good things came from it being discontinued and good things come from the role of pluto of rebirth and renewal in astrology.

The Pest is a satirical column and does not reflect the views of The Post.

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